“I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and I don’t really know how to say this, but…I think I’m trans.”
This sentence can be life-changing to both your family and your child. It can also be terrifying, confusing, or celebratory, depending on your beliefs, worries, and prior expectations. You may worry about your child’s health or safety, or even if your teenager is sure about how they feel. This sentence and its response are also deciding factors in a transgender child’s journey to becoming a healthy, confident adult.
As a therapist who specializes in queer identity issues, I see first-hand how powerful a parent’s response can be when a transgender child comes out and faces the world. A teen who is supported can celebrate their own uniqueness and face hardships with resiliency. But one who is not often bathes in negative thinking and sinks from life’s punches. And these experiences are just glimpses of the greater effect happening country-wide. For instance, 86% of trans teens report suicidality when they undergo risk factors like: emotional neglect from family, interpersonal micro-aggressions, lack of school belonging, and internalized self-stigma because of their identity. These risk factors are also intervenable. That is, they can be mediated and changed by people in the teen’s life, like you.
It’s important to acknowledge that transgender youth experience mental health concerns at a larger rate than other queer peers. Even if you are part of the LGBQIA+ community or know of people who are, you may not fully understand the risks that your transgender children may hold. Research scientests at The Trevor Project, a nonprofit organization committed to preventing suicide among LGBTQIA+ youth, report that transgender and nonbinary youth are 2 to 2.5 times more likely to experience depressive symptoms, seriously consider suicide, and attempt suicide compared to their cisgender LGBQ peers.
Transgender and nonbinary youth are 2 to 2.5 times more likely to consider suicide than their cisgender LGBQ peers.
You may find these statistics to be a wake up call, fear-mongering, or another addition to the fear you already hold for your children. Many parents only want their children to be safe and secure, which is a positive and altruistic wish. But what endangers your child is when the steps towards these wishes do not match up with what your child knows they need. Here are steps that you can take as a parent to support and guide your child while encouraging their autonomy and self-actualization. You love your child, and you want the best for your child; you can make that happen together.
How to walk with your child through their gender journey:
1. Accept and validate their feelings.
Studies have shown that acceptance from even one adult significantly lowers suicide attempt rates in young queer people. Even if you do not completely understand their thoughts and feelings, reminding your child that you love them and support them can make all the difference.
2. Find social and organizational support, for both of you.
Exploring gender and/or actively transitioning is often intimidating, unpredictable, and lonely, for both parents and children. Social support can help guide your family through these unsteady times, give you both places to ask questions, and remind you that you are not alone. Here is a list of resources in the Colorado area for families and individuals:
3. Take your time.
Gender is an enigma, and it can take time to know how it fits you. If your child is concerned about figuring it out, remind them of all the different parts of life that take time. Be careful not to overlook or downplay their thoughts and feelings about gender, especially if they feel adamant about one thing or another. Teens deserve the same amount of respect and autonomy as you, but with guidance.
Lastly, remind yourself to also take your time. You may not always get it right, but the most important piece is that you try.
4. Highlight the points you agree upon, and be aware of the ones on which you disagree.
You may support your child switching their pronouns yet still hesitate to start hormones or other gender-affirming care. Have open and honest conversations with your kid about your concerns, while always coming back to a main foundation––i.e. “We’ll figure this out together.”
Should you find yourself in need of additional support, reach out to us at Evolve in Nature and schedule a consultation with Mac.